Interview Shminterview

For a job seeker, the concept of the interview is nothing less than a thrill. Finally, a chance to sit down with a supposed intellectual, well-knowing person who will engage in a conversation about their companies’ needs, and my chance to tell them that not only do they need me, how could they live without me any longer???!!

It’s just not like that.

Books and HR departments and handbooks and ANYONE can tell you the do’s and don’ts of interviewing. Don’t chew gum, don’t ask for vacation before you’re hired, do give a firm handshake, do not wear your gym shorts.

There ought to be a law against bad interviewers. Not the people being interviewed, we know what we’re doing. The people they’re putting out there to represent their companies to potential employees? PLEASE! Like I want to work here with you??? The interviewer should, at a minimum, present themselves in a way that would make you believe that you are slightly more important than the gum stuck to the bottom of their chair.

I am starting to categorize these interviewers. Let me tell you what I’ve come up with so far:

#1 - Casual Fridays Debunked

We are taught as interviewees to present ourselves in a professional, competent way by sporting the most God-awful outfits known to man (or woman as the case may be). Let me tell you this. There is nothing more uncomfortable than an interview suit. Panty hose, a tight skirt, unflattering jacket, and shoes so tight you are sure amputation is inevitable if you make it back to your car.

Shouldn't interviewers have at least SOME responsibility here? I went to an interview prior to leaving the “company responsible for my demise” in said monkey suit, only to find my interviewer dressed in a sweatshirt, jeans, and dirty tennis shoes. Am I at a corporation or are we gonna clean your garage? This might be acceptable attire if say, it was Friday. It was not. Given the title of this person and knowing what I know, she makes 6 figures. I thought maybe she could’ve sprung for less faded jeans?…. I didn’t get the job.

I shoulda wore Zubaz and bunny slippers.

To her credit, we had a great conversation about the company and my qualifications. This I would learn, is the exception and not the rule.

#2 - The Third Reich

I interviewed a few months ago, again, before my demise, with someone who I fondly look back on now as the Interviewing Nazi. My interview was initially for one hour. It got rescheduled three times and finally landed 2 days later for 30 minutes. HOW can I sell my wonderfulness in 30 minutes or less??

So, the Interview Nazi has a list of no less than 25 questions for me. Again, that she had questions for me at all was exciting in itself, however, 25 questions in 30 minutes is 1.2 questions per minute. If it took her 15 seconds to ask the question, that left me less than 60 seconds to answer it. I do not talk with the speed of those guys on the radio reading the disclaimers. I like to talk. I like to tell interviewers how they cannot live without me. I like to breathe while speaking.

She never looked up from her paper. Did her neck hurt?
Did she need a brace? Some Advil?? No.

She sprinted through those questions, even cutting me off at a few points during those blasted 30 minutes. To make things worse, she did a few of those yawns where you are holding it in, trying not to open your mouth. Know what I’m talking about?

It was a train wreck. But through no fault of mine.

I didn’t get the job, obviously. That’s ok. Last I heard Hitler did not provide any sick time, and was not so keen on Work/Life Balance.

#3 – The Scare Tactic

So, I got an interview last week by way of a recruiter who found me on CareerBuilder. GREAT! FABULOUS! The company does what? Where? Excuse me, could you repeat that???? Yikes, that’s what I thought you said…

Seems this printing company is looking for an Operations Manager. I know nothing about printing. That’s ok I suppose, as conceptually, a leader and the competencies they bring to the job are what’s important. I can learn your product. I can hire and fire people and everything in between. Then I learned where the job was. Little Canada. Little Canada might as well BE in Canada. Or on Mars.

Despite the odds against me I go in for the interview anyway. The guy comes out 20 minutes after our scheduled time, apologizes for the delay, sits me down in his office, looks at my resume, and says, “Ok, I see you went to St. Cloud State. Start There.”

What?? Like, you want me to tell you about the all night bong parties?

He had no questions, written or otherwise. I had never seen a job description. I talked about my experience. He said nothing. Wait, he did say, “do you have any questions for me??”

Excuse me? Who is the interviewer here??

“Yes, can you tell me why this position is open?”

“I fired the last one”

“Okaaaaaay…can you tell me what a typical day would look like for the position”.

“Forecasting. Need someone who can forecast and schedule production around those forecasts”.

Great, we were on to something.

“Okay…are there written training materials?”

“Nope, we need to work on that”.

“Policies and Procedures?”

“Nope.”

“Productivity and Performance Goals?”

“Nah.”

“What are the biggest challenges right now”?

“Lack of talent and getting people to show up on time.”

If my shoes hadn’t been so tight I could’ve maybe run out the door a little faster. He was obviously never in sales, and never read the “How Not to Scare the Bejesus Out of Job Candidates” handbook.

“We’ll be doing second interviews next week” he said as he walked me out the door.

I was all I could do to say, "Yeah right".

Maybe Hitler is still hiring, he wasn't as scary as this guy...

;-)

PS - I'm making some good progress, I'm meeting people in companies I want to work at, applying for jobs in those companies, and that combo is, as Martha says, "a good thing".