Adventures in Laundry

There are times, not many, but some, where I can honestly say, “Thank goodness I’m not working today/this week/this month”.

Case in point? Traffic. I now get to sit back from the comfort of my own home and “watch” traffic on tv rather than participate in it. This week especially has allowed me to boast about my long commute from the house to the mailbox. Haven't the shmucks learned that if you leave at 7 and get there at 9:30, maybe the next day you should leave at 8:30 and get there at 9:30??? It really DOES work that way! Hello!!??

Another good reason to be unemployed? When black smoke starts pouring from the washing machine, and the fear of being without said appliance takes precedence over say, getting smoke inhalation, well, there you go. Who has time to work when a major appliance nearly starts on fire???!!! Surely not I!!!

Replacing an appliance is no small feat. This would not be a quick fix. Need professional advice. Call repairman. Repairman says poor washer is DOA. I suppose I should have suspected that when I saw the black smoke rising from the clothes like fog over a cemetary...

Damn. It just cost me 70 bucks for his little bit of “advice”… And to make it worse, I had a sopping full load of laundry sitting in poor deceased washer.

I am a self proclaimed laundry maven, but no amount of creative ingenuity was going to solve the problem of the sopping wet clothes, and the mounds of still dirty laundry waiting in the wings. I do not own a washboard, and the only thing I can ring out effectively is the neck of the beast in the house that vomits on my living room carpet with every-other- day frequency.

The only immediate solution to my laundry quandary? GASP! CHOKE! GAG! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, say it isn’t so!!! I have to go to the…..the….laundromat!!!! (Psycho music plays in the background…)

The laundromat? I’d rather clean up dog barf.

I agreed to suck it up for the sake of keeping my status as “domestic goddess”, even in the face of adversity. (But the question begs to be asked, isn’t being unemployed punishment enough????)

I toted the 150 lbs of sopping wet mess, as well as the rest of the smelly stack to the car. If it appeared dirty in any way shape or form it was going with me, for I was going to make this journey ONCE and only once, come hell or high water, (or lack thereof as the case may be).

A mile down the road it dawned on me. DETERGENT! Damn. Back I go. (For the record, this would still only count as ONE trip to the laundromat, for I shall never admit to more than just one in a 5 year period).

Being the optimist I am (!), I had a vision in my head of what this place might have in store for me. “It will be clean” I thought. People go there to wash their clothes so that’s a good thing right? It will be bright and clean and there will be people there like me who suffered near death experiences due to exploding appliances and we shall…bond.

That was WAAAAY too optimistic on my part. Damn washer. Why couldn’t it have been the DISHWASHER that died? I can wash and dry dishes with ease. Hell, the three year old can wash and dry dishes with ease. (My apologies if I insulted anyone who is "dishwashingly challanged"...)

Strike One, location. Oh, so THIS is what Purgatory looks like! Who knew?!

I held out hopes for the inside. Strike Two. Despite the blaring streams of sun in the western sky, the place was dark. Very dark. If my kids had been along I’m quite sure they would’ve feared the Boogie Man. Hell, even I was fearing the Boogie Man.

And finally, I surmise that the cleanest part of the whole place was the “inside” of the machines. The rest of the place looked like, well, you know when you pull your washer out from the wall (I did) and observe the 5 years of dirt, dust, dog food, coins, hair and general nastiness? Yeah, imagine that on a much LARGER scale, like say, INSIDE THE WHOLE DAMN LAUNDROMAT!!STRIKE THREE and I wanted OUT!!!!

I pumped my coins into two machines, which was a pricey little maneuver to the tune of $7.50 for two loads, dumped in my detergent and painfully watched the timer on each count down from 20.
20 minutes. I can do this. The “King of Queens” was on the dusty TV. I can do this.

Other “domestic goddesses” in my midst were the platinum blond 60 something woman missing one heck of an important tooth, and the Latino man, bless his heart, washing what I observed to be kids sized pink undies. (I prayed that they belonged to his sweet little kid and not say, er, uh....never mind...)

Oh geezus, not only do I have to be here for 17 more minutes, I’m now taking an interest in others dirty clothing. And underwear no less.

My timers finally hit zero. Thank you Jesus.

I throw my wet, albeit “spun out” clothes into my car and race off. My dryer is still, after all, in working order. For now. As a precaution I decide to sprinkle it with Holy Water.

The next day I make fast tracks to Best Buy, Home Depot, and Lowe’s. I float through the appliance departments, noting price, financing, delivery and recycling options. 3 stores in 45 minutes, and a plan is in place! I shall have a new washer by the weekend and never again be banished to “Giant Wash Coin Laundry” !!!!

And again, back to why being unemployed during this little roadbump on the highway of life was kind of “nice”…. If I was working, getting the laundry done, getting the shopping done, and sitting around while they deliver “sometime between now and Easter” would’ve had to be done in a, shall we say, “creative” way. The excuses to my boss to leave work early would go something like this:

The laundromat visit before the kids get home:
"Uh, daycare called, she has to close early due to a, ah, family emergency!"

The shopping trip:
"OMG our DOG died, choked to death on her own vomit...yeah, so sad, I'll see ya tomorrow if I'm up to coming in..."

The waiting for delivery:
"Ugh. I have the stomach flu. Must've been something I ate, yeah, I'll feel better tomorrow"...

Then the next day: "Kids are sick with it, yeah, hopefully I'll see ya tomorrow, yeah, nasty stuff…."

Ah the joy of being unemployed, no more lame brain excuses why you can’t “work” today.

;-)